Pregnant…Again.
20 weeks down 20 more to go… I can’t believe we are doing this again!
If you’d asked me two years ago I would have said NO WAY. Being pregnant is hard. Farming is hard. Farming while pregnant is REALLY hard. And it’s honestly not really my cup of tea. But, I’m exceedingly lucky and a bit of a spoiled brat. I do my best to remind myself of those two facts daily and to be grateful for all that I have, and for the fact that I actually can do this. Physically, emotionally, and financially, I have the privilege to carry and care for not one, but now TWO babies!! What a lucky woman.
Birthing and raising Diotima has, to date, proven to be the most humbling, life-altering, and fulfilling thing that I have ever taken on. Watching her grow up on the same land that I was raised on, getting to imprint her little spirit with the deep, soulful love of the earth, plants, animals, and all elements of the natural world is truly a dream come true. I look at her and listen to her, and I can’t believe that I actually have had any part in who she is —she’s so fully formed, such a dynamic little human, with brilliant thoughts, and words that I seriously have no idea from whence they came.
Thankfully, Dia is a lot like my partner Alex, and for that we can all be grateful—more of his sweet, good nature and wit are only to be celebrated. But, I know I’m in there too somewhere, it’s just remarkable how singular she is already.
I don’t know what I thought parenting would be like, but there are two big things that I really didn’t expect.
First, I didn’t appreciate how quickly these little ones become their own selves. I thought it would be more like having a mini-me around that I could control and intuit. Instead, it is all new every day. Every day I discover something new about her that is fascinating, and delightful. Everyday I am learning who she is and how to be her mom. Everyday I am reminded that I know nothing, everything I thought I knew is wrong, and I need to learn it all anew. The only thing I can be sure of is the incredible strength of the limitless love that binds me to her no matter what.
Which brings me to the second thing… Before having Dia, I didn’t know what to make of this whole “motherly love” concept. I mean I know I love my mother, and I have borne witness to many other incredible mothers and the love they show for their children, but feeling it is something else altogether. It’s like growing another limb that gets ripped from your body but that you still can’t live without. When Dia is away from me I feel the shadow of her absence constantly. I thought I would be such a detached mom, letting her go without a thought. But I’ve learned that there is no such thing as a detached mom. No matter who she becomes, what she does, or how she behaves, she is mine and I will guard her with the fierceness of biggest mama bear. I had no idea I was capable of such a ferocious devotion.
Is it possible that this heart expands for two?? Is it possible to learn enough to respond to two at once? Is it possible to carry them both with me with equal devotion at the same time?? It must be. My mother assures me that, not only is it possible, but it is a certainty. Surely she would know. Anyway, I guess there’s only one way to find out….
I could go on and on about this topic. It occupies more than a little of my brain space these days, but Dia and the farm are calling. I will try to write another post soon more specifically on the farming while mothering component (that’s what I intended to write about when I sat down, I swear!). I also could fill a book on that topic! But lord knows, many a better writer than I have already penned too many words on the topic, so don’t worry, I’ll keep my ramblings to short, sporadic blog posts for now :).